Lonely is a feeling.
Anonymous asked: hello. just curious. what made you na kunin yung course na linguistics and na magaral ng japanese? and last question If you don't mind, do u already work? if yes, what kind of work? sorry for asking way too many questions. I'm planning to get din po kasi yung liguistics that's why I'm really curious. thanks in advance!
Hello! Hmm wow, tough question. Well to be honest, I wasn’t really fully aware of how the Linguistics program in UPD is before I wrote it as my course choice in my application. When I say program, I mean, the curriculum and stuff. Although we do study foreign languages in Linguistics, we study language in general, and Philippine languages, a lot of our subjects deal with Philippine languages actually. I’m pretty much a double major, since I have equal parts linguistics units and Japanese units. There are 3 plans in linguistics, A, B and C. I’m in C, the one with Japanese. I’m sure you can find out more about it in the website, http://uplinguistics.wordpress.com. I took up linguistics because I was interested in language, and naively, thought that being a lingg major meant being a polyglot (multilingual)m although I have become trilingual because of it. :)
Why Japanese? Well, I was always interested in Japanese ever since I was little. The culture, the people. And I thought, my voice is suitable (?) to Japanese. Here you can check it out if you want: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uf_l1mlR9Tw
that’s me! Hello.
I’m not working yet. I’ll be graduating next year. Got delayed because I studied in Japan for a year. No problem with the questions, ask away. Oh but please introduce yourself~
I almost always remember my dreams, Sometimes they linger, and even when I wake up, I am still in a dream. I play it out in my mind, the dialogue, the movements.
One of my most frequent dreams is about you. The dreams resemble one another, differing only in their location in space in time. I suppose it’s a testament for how I long for you, because somehow, it is not enough, time is never enough and the few hours we get to spend together every other week only serves to highlight the time when I cannot see you. Who’s to say why, why recently, I have come to miss you in such a way. Maybe it’s because I am always afraid, that time spent too much apart will cause a drift, and we’ll find ourselves looking at each other from opposite sides of the divide. I wonder how much of your life I am part of, and how much you are part of mine. I had wanted to weave you in like a thin skein of thread, my life a braid of mangled colors. But circumstances always keep us a little bit apart, which I think is how it’ll be for now, because there is only so much we can do because of circumstances. I used to think that there was a way to do everything, and I used to struggle to be able to do everything I wanted, because I believed there was no excuse to not have been able to. But now, I guess I’ve changed my mind. There are things you just have to work around.
But back to the dream.
I was half conscious and still dreaming. We were alone in a room, that white walled apartment I frequently dream you live in. I tugged on your shirt to pull you in closer and I started to stare into your eyes, what for? I’m not sure, but you laughed and made your eyes wide and I frowned because I wanted you to take me seriously and I started to protest about how you don’t and you hugged me. And you just held me there for quite a time. And I held onto you. Your shirt was the starchy kind. The kind for work. And I remembered all the past times we were in this position, and the different shirts you wore and the passing of the times, and where we were. I pulled away and started pinching your cheek and laughing but I wanted to kiss you, more than anything. But I hesitated. I put my forehead against yours and you made a sound, hmm? And I put my lips nearer to yours and kissed you tentatively til I felt you kiss back, and we were kissing and i was so happy, to have been so close to you, and somehow feel that our hearts were making up for lost time if there ever was such a thing, or maybe bridging some gap that had grown.
My back was against a wall, and we continued kissing til we had somehow stumbled unto a bed. And the rest flew by so fast, until we were body to body in the closest way possible and I longed to hear your heart beat, because I’d like to think hearts could speak too, and I wanted to know what yours was saying about me. We were close, oh so close. It wasn’t even about the physicality of it, but just, the closeness. I was lonely. I was so lonely for you. I missed you, miss you, to a level I curse myself for it. But you were there with me, indefinitely for how long in that dream, and I wished it was real, and I wished that when I opened my eyes you would have been there, and I wished that I could reach you anytime, that there were doors that opened to where you were. I would step in one and see you and then leave because I knew I couldn’t stay for so long.
I wish I had a day, to get myself out of the mist, out of the haze of uncertainty and fear. I would spend it with you, until my vision clears, and if I asked my heart if it was okay it would have said yes.
I hope our love is the kind that I don’t have to think about. I hope I never have to convince myself to love any certain part of you because I hope it all comes naturally. I hope our love is the kind that is quiet on the outside but loud on the inside. I want to love you like the space between lightning and thunder - electrified and alive but silent and knowing. And I want you to love me like the clouds love the rain. You’re going to have to let me go on my own sometimes, but I will always come back and we will always be two parts of the same thing.
I opened your heart like a text and found 24 messages,
all of them unanswered.
I loaded your kisses onto Noah’s Ark and the flood
washed away every single one of my lipstick prints.
I fell in love with you like slamming my head on the pavement:
something I didn’t want to do
but did anyway,
mostly because it knocked my thoughts out of balance
like planets spinning off-kilter in the solar system.
I wished we were born in the age of the dinosaurs
so we could be together for 45 million more years
than we already have been.
I nailed your excuses to the wall like the stars to the sky
whenever you wouldn’t let me
take you out to dinner.
I cleaned out your closet and found a box full of bones.
I kissed you in a four-poster bed
and moved over you like a ship,
tattooed your heart to my palm in only
the most luxurious colors the tattoo artist could find.
I tried to be a better lover than an octopus
with only two arms.
I gathered your hips like a bouquet
and planted them beneath mine.
I stapled two dozen pickup lines to your back door
in the hopes that at least one of them
would catch your eye.
I stole a human heart from the anatomy lab
just to see if it would beat as fast
as mine when confronted with your gaze.
I held your hand like a trigger
and each breath of your finger
set the gun off.
I went diving for you
and surfaced with a mouth full of
Give Me a Memory
A thought like a dead tree in still water
Give me waves and rain
Drown me till the water’s clear
With you I can breathe
‘And then I understood
Why I felt so alone.
It was because
I couldn’t trust anybody.
It was a world of strangers
That I lived in.
How did a heart like mine
That had been so carelessly open to the world
Come to be so closed.
I’ll throw my heart in a rabbit hole
And hope someone cares enough to look for it.
When you’re hurt too much and you’re too scared and fragile to approach people, but you want them to come to you. You actually want them to just drop everything, come to you and just be there and care.
Traditional ink + Digital Painting